Beyonce is a...

Chile, so you want a good gag for the day? Never fear, your girl has you covered. Run on over to google.com and type in "Beyonce is a" in the search box and see which options appear in the dropdown list. Have fun! :)

Taking A Leak: New Beyonce Track "1+1"

If you heard all of your neighborhood dogs howling at the moon tonight, it wasn't an ambulance in the area speeding to the ER, it was just a Beyonce track taking a leak onto the planet tonight. If Prince went into labor and gave birth to a wounded reindeer out his ASS, it would sound like Beyonce's new smash leak 1+1. I'm no mathematician, but I never knew 1+1 equaled skunk farts and demon burps, but once again, I was never that great at math.

If (and only if) you are a daring soul, take a listen.

Jumping The Shark: Beyonce Admits To STEALING!!

Well, well, well. So much for the stans "It's not Beyonce's fault" campaign. AOL is reporting Beyonce's official statement on the HIGH CRIME AND MISDEMEANOR that was her Billboard Music Award performance. Grab a cup and have your lemon and honey ready, chile.

‘My makeup artist showed me the performance of Lorella Cuccarini a year ago, and it inspired me to steal so much’, she went onto reveal ‘I then met with the talented people who worked on it. The technology and concept were so genius. Thank God for YouTube or I would have never been exposed as a theif to steal something so inspiring. I never worked so hard on stealing anything in my life as that performance for the Billboard Awards’.

Oh, okay so in other words, if you're gonna blame someone, blame the make-up artist! Chile please, all the concealer in the world can't cover up this blemish, chile. Aww poor, original, pioneering little rich girl! CHILE SAVE IT! It's already bad enough the RUN THE WORLD (THIEVES)beat is Major Lazer's 'Pon De Floor" and the choreography was a STEP BY STEP Tofo Tofo routine! Whether two of the guys were in the video or not, bitch stop shittin in the litter box and blaming it on the neighbors cat!

About Beyonce's 5 Finger Discount Billboard Awards Performance...

Yesterday was Sunday, so that must mean for some it's time to violate a couple of the 10 commandments. Mostly THOU SHALT NOT STEAL & THOU SHALT NOT LIE (aka bare false witness). So, Beyonce was given the award for being the most unoriginal scam artist of the MILLENIUM yesterday, and although I didn't watch that bullfart (I had more important things to do like wash my hair, paint my toenails, feed the cat, do crossword puzzles, etc...) I already know (without watching) that it was going to be a show full of dandruff flakes, crotch-rot, delusion, theft, lies & videotape. Maybe I'm psychic, but from what I'm hearing, that's EXACTLY what it was, chile.

Glad I spent my time wisely, because now my hair is bouncy fresh and my toes are really cute! :)

You wanna talk about reading? Let's talk about READING!

Today, I was going through some of Beyonce's rapture ready theft video's, and instead, I ran across this interesting one of some real damn talk, chile! MUNCH!














I'm no scientist, but I think I know what just happened here.

Beyonce's RTW(G) Video Review

Oh, fuck it. I don't even have the strength, chile. I'll just let this bitch speak on my behalf.

In case you missed it, here's Beyonce's video for Run the World (Girls), which is like the apocalypse as seen through the eyes of a House of Dereon seamstress who gets whipped in the eyes with a weave track every time she makes the slightest wince at Tina Knowles' jacked up designs. To me, the song still sounds like an elephant stomping on a kazoo in the middle of a fart contest and the video isn't helping. It's like every post-apocalyptic movie, blended with Cirque du Soleil's KÀ and wrapped in a thick blanket of Vogue magazine's worst photo shoots. The giant hyenas (which were later skinned for wigs)? Sand fucking a giant zen garden (at the 3:26 mark)? The fuck?

Well, at least when The Rapture comes on Saturday, I can look Beyonce in the eyes just as she's about to enslave me and honestly tell her that her Mighty Morphin Power Rangers gown (at the 2:49 mark) is hot. But that's about it.

Grading on a Curve: Beyonce's Oprah Performance Preview

Good morning class. Today's lesson is about hoes that claim they are the hottest EVERYTHING in the game. Let's grade this clip of her earthshattering, groundbreaking, mesmerizing performance on Oprah's farewell show. Everyone open your legs books to page 69 and let the reading begin.



Song = FLOP

Lyrics = FAIL

Choreography = FOOLISHNESS

Hair = FRIED

Wardrobe = FUCKERY

So I'm left with no other option but to give this performance a BIG RED F-

Chile, if they were handing out diploma's at FOOL SCHOOL, bitch would be the damn valedictorian!

Has-Been to Debut Video on Has-Been Show

Even though the ratings are in the camode, and her single is on the charts down-low-er than her husband Jay-Z "alleged" secret sex life, American Idol looks to pull a stunt to breathe hot funky halitosis breath back into their over-the-hill, tired, worn out, past its prime, run its course, beating a dead horse ass show, with the debut of an over-the-hill, worn out, run its course, past it's prime, wearing a dead horse-wig chick with the hottest breath in the game's highly anticipated (HAA) video premiere. I haven't watched nobody's American Idol since they voted off Jennifer Hudson, and chile, thats about the only "Idol" they have cranked out of that God-forsaken show!

Here is the tea from Vladtv.com via Beyonce's website and her cousin Angela Beyince's twitter.

Bey's official fansite released a statement confirming that her video will debut on the famed talent show on May 18th. Her cousin, Angie Beyince also tweeted in support saying “Tune in Wednesday May 18th to see Beyonce on American Idol.”

Shhhh... be really quiet. You hear that sound?? It's the sound of J. Lo plucking her eyes out of her head and rolling them across her dressing room floor! I mean, the NERVE of this Beyonce chick; after all the 5 finger discounts she pulled on J.Lo throughout her carrer, now she has to sit there with a plastic grin on her face and be tortured with that HOT MESS?? And I'll bet you 2 tons of wig glue Beyonce is gonna say she though of this great idea all by her big-headed self, even though on the last SKORPION SHOW video, they begged her to do it! She's so texas smart, ain't she?! I mean everybody that eats their boogers like it's Popeye's chicken is smart like that. Everyone knows that. It's a scientific fact! Wikipedia it, if you don't believe me.

This old lady's desperation knows no bounds!

Did Camel Get Kicked to the Curb?

In "Chew yo ass up and spit yo ass out" news of the day, it's being reported by a reliable source that Beyonce has put on her panic wig and emergency leotard and recently called an meltdown, code red, meeting about her BIG FLOPPITY FLOP OF A FLOP ASS FLOP single, and she is now trying to sever management ties with Jay Z and Roc Nation. (tee hee)

Maybe it will finally dawn on Jay Z that Beyonce is an opportunist and the only reason why his ugly ass ever got a chance in the first damn place is because it was $omething in it for her. I mean, you dont't really think she will ever fart a baby creature out of her precious womb that looks like you, do you? You poor, misquided, disfigured-looking FOOL! Don't you know that you look like the depths of somebodys ASS? Like somebody has been putting cigarettes out on your face? You didn't know you look like Osama Bin Laden's death photo? Like you jumped off of the Chrysler Building and landed on your face? You didn't know you look like a half-chewed hot-dog floating in a pool of vomit? Wait, I'm getting off topic.. where was I? Oh yea!

So, back to this meeting... I guess, if the "source" is to be believe, the general consensus of listening to the album was;