Dawson's Creek Called, They Want Their Theme Song Back...

Today, "King B" dropped another load of her groundbreaking, mesmerizing new flop single in the form of one of the worst things I've ever heard called "Best Thing I Never Had" Aside from the fact that the single should come with a label approved by medical doctors as a sure-fire way to cure incurable insomnia, some of the lyrics are as follows, and are very VERY ironic!

"...sucks to be Beyonce you right now..."

"...what goes around comes back around, Beyonce..."

"...there was a time I thought that you did everything right Beyonce..."

"...when I think of the time I almost loved you Beyonce, you showed your ass and I saw the real you Beyonce..."

"...i'm so over you Beyonce, so baby good lookin' out"

and blahh blahhh blahhhhh.... I mean talk about the pot callin' the kettle black, honey. Chile, sounds like a swan song if I've ever heard one. Aside from the fact that it's annoying as an itchy asscrack, it sounds like something that was stolen right off the set of some sappy, tired, cheesy, nerdy ass show on the CW starring bad acting teenagers in high school or some crap. Yea, i'll pass on this one, too...

Yes miss Bey, looks like your pussymobile is finally out of gas, on 4 flat tires and you're stranded on the side of the road while Kelly is riding by, top down with the wind in her hair BLASTING her #1 R&B smash hit, Motivation. My, how the lacefront has turned!

Taking A Leak: New Beyonce Track "1+1"

If you heard all of your neighborhood dogs howling at the moon tonight, it wasn't an ambulance in the area speeding to the ER, it was just a Beyonce track taking a leak onto the planet tonight. If Prince went into labor and gave birth to a wounded reindeer out his ASS, it would sound like Beyonce's new smash leak 1+1. I'm no mathematician, but I never knew 1+1 equaled skunk farts and demon burps, but once again, I was never that great at math.

If (and only if) you are a daring soul, take a listen.

Grading on a Curve: Beyonce's Oprah Performance Preview

Good morning class. Today's lesson is about hoes that claim they are the hottest EVERYTHING in the game. Let's grade this clip of her earthshattering, groundbreaking, mesmerizing performance on Oprah's farewell show. Everyone open your legs books to page 69 and let the reading begin.



Song = FLOP

Lyrics = FAIL

Choreography = FOOLISHNESS

Hair = FRIED

Wardrobe = FUCKERY

So I'm left with no other option but to give this performance a BIG RED F-

Chile, if they were handing out diploma's at FOOL SCHOOL, bitch would be the damn valedictorian!

Did Camel Get Kicked to the Curb?

In "Chew yo ass up and spit yo ass out" news of the day, it's being reported by a reliable source that Beyonce has put on her panic wig and emergency leotard and recently called an meltdown, code red, meeting about her BIG FLOPPITY FLOP OF A FLOP ASS FLOP single, and she is now trying to sever management ties with Jay Z and Roc Nation. (tee hee)

Maybe it will finally dawn on Jay Z that Beyonce is an opportunist and the only reason why his ugly ass ever got a chance in the first damn place is because it was $omething in it for her. I mean, you dont't really think she will ever fart a baby creature out of her precious womb that looks like you, do you? You poor, misquided, disfigured-looking FOOL! Don't you know that you look like the depths of somebodys ASS? Like somebody has been putting cigarettes out on your face? You didn't know you look like Osama Bin Laden's death photo? Like you jumped off of the Chrysler Building and landed on your face? You didn't know you look like a half-chewed hot-dog floating in a pool of vomit? Wait, I'm getting off topic.. where was I? Oh yea!

So, back to this meeting... I guess, if the "source" is to be believe, the general consensus of listening to the album was;

Run The World (FLOPS)

Chile, so the numbers are in, and it looks like Beyonce's smash shit single has BELLYFLOPPED onto charts everywhere. Here are the numbers. FEAST!

Billboard: #33 (HAAA)

Digital DLs: #23 (HAAA HAAA)

Radio: #65 (HAAA HAAA HAAAAAAAAAAAA)

Girl, these are the SOLANGE numbers, hunni! Hell, I farted in an empty toilet paper tube last week and charted higher than THAT!

And speaking of farting into microphones, both Britney and Gaga STORMED the charts with their singles, and this is why her psychotic stans were terrorizing everybody's message boards? For THIS!?

Bitch should have just went somewhere and popped out a few mutant babies, deep conditioned and hot-oil treated those roots of hers, ask Juelz to FINALLY teach her how to talk in complete sentences, conjugate a verb, stop eating paste and color inside the lines with jumbo crayons, chile.

Another Day, Another Beyonce Lawsuit...

No, the planet earth's lawyer didn't file a lawsuit seeking damages due to pain, suffering, excessive diarrhea and hearing-loss after listening to Bey's new smash shit Who RUIN The World (Whores), not yet at least, but they are gettin their paperwork together.

Instead, these court papers reveal a company (who should have known better) named Gate Five is suing the tooth plaque and coochie-crust off of Beyonce's ass to the tune of 100 MILLION SLUT-BUCKS for;

1. Being a GREEDY ASS GREEDY BITCH (duh...)

2. Being a MORALLY REPREHENSIBLE HUMAN BEING (double-duh...)

3. Ruining 70 people's christmas by forcing them out of a job the week before christmas because of reasons 1 and 2 (helmet wearing triple-duuhhhhh).


Here's the TMZ tea

A video game company called Gate Five filed papers today in NY -- in which they claim they had a deal in place in 2010 to create a game with Beyonce called, "Starpower: Beyonce."

According to the docs, things went awry during a "crucial moment in the project's development" when Beyonce made "an extortionate demand" for more money -- even though the two sides already had a deal in place.

Gate Five claims her move "drove 70 people into unemployment, the week before Christmas" ... and notes that one of the project's backers described her conduct as "morally reprehensible."

The company claims it is entitled to the $6.7 mil it invested into the venture -- as well as more than $100 million in profits Gate Five believes it would have earned had Beyonce honored the agreement.

SOURCE

Here is Beyonce's official statement on the matter:


GIFSoup

Thief (Who Ruined The World)

HAMMERCY JESUS! I have been gone far too long!! I have to apologize for my prolonged absence, I have just been so unbelievably busy with amazing things going on, it's been a crying FOOL, but for this very momentous occasion, I come to you swimming through the thickest new growth roots and standing strong on the tallest ass pad known to man to proclaim that after listening to a clip of that SMOLDERING 4-ALARM CHILI BURNT TO A DAM CRISP EXTRA WELL DONE OPEN FLAME BROILED ASS HOT MESSSSSSSSS of Beyonce's new "song", I have to say THAT DAMN TEARS IT WITH THIS LADY! I can't with her, I can't with her delusional ass STANS, I can't with Makael and four motherfuckers that LOOK like him, and I can't with the world at large if you let this crap continue unscathed!

So if you want to hear HER EARTHSHATTERING NEW MUSIC THAT SHE CAME UP WITH ALL ON HER OWN, click the link below to listen to what 20 seconds of pure, concentrated, new born HELL sounds like.



and btw, Major Lazer (ft. Vybz Kartel) did it better...



Tootles, till next time....

Dead Fish Walking

If you were in London and smelled something that reeked of week-old filet of cajun catfish rotting away in the July sun, it was just Beyonce airing out her cooch again. Either that, or it was Beyonce's elegant stripper I'm Gonna Git U Sucka fish shoes dying a miserable death. Well, if I was that poor fish creature, one whiff of Bey's toe-jam from hell, and I would go see about Jesus, too!


Here's unedited footage of Beyonce going shopping...

Snatchback Video: Girls' Tyme on Star Search

So, I was going through youtube being a nosy whore, when I suddenly realized I've never really seen Beyonce and Girls' Tyme on Star Search... UNTIL NOW...




Will someone PLEASE knock me in the ear with a steak knife? I just want to unscrew my ears, put on stilettos, dance the single ladies routine on them and put them on the nearest railroad tracks after hearing this hot hell of a mess! I don't why I keep doing this to myself.

Aside from Beyonce obviously hogging 99% of the mic time, Girls' Tyme didn't lose, BEYONCE DID!! The best part of this mess was the rap section (LaTavia?) and the end when the torture finally stopped and the scores came up, and yes, I think 3 stars was far too generous... just sayin!

Yes, Jesus Loves Me....

THANK









YOU







LORD!

Telephone Child Abuse...

A sad excuse for parents that needs intense therapy made this tired Gaga "Telephone" video of their kid (who obviously would rather be somewhere playing jump-rope than to be involved in this hot garbage). The uninterested and over it kid looks like she being kidnapped and held for ransom to the tune of Gaga. Baby needs a real telephone so she can call The Department of Children & Family Services.

'Alejandro' Director Making Stuff Up...

In an attempt to quell some of the backlash from Lady Gaga's latest work of fart, Steven Klein, the 'Alejandro' video director, puts down his copy of Highway To Hell long enough to have a brief interview with MTV. This is what he farted:

“The religious symbolism is not meant to denote anything negative, but represents the character’s battle between the dark forces of this world and the spiritual salvation of the Soul,” Klein wrote. “Thus at the end of the film, she chooses to be a nun, and the reason her mouth and eyes disappear is because she is withdrawing her senses from the world of evil and going inward towards prayer and contemplation.”

Klein added that the scene in which Gaga ingests the rosary beads is meant to represent “the desire to take in the holy.”

Bitch lie like a rug! The evil nun from hell's eyes are burned away like a some shit from Nightmare on Elm Street so she can go inward and pray? Say what???

I don't claim to know what that creepy shit was about, but after I watched that video, my phone rang and told me I would die in 7 days. It's day 3... chile, I'm scared!

Speaking Of A Hot Mess...

Here is the glamorous Lady Gaga looking as elegantly understated and incognito as ever while attending...
















wait for it...


















her sisters CATHOLIC SCHOOL GRADUATION!! Not one to take any focus away from her sister and her milestone achievement, Gaga tippy-toed around and tweeted to her publicist friend about how much attention she's NOT getting in her Asian widow hooker ensemble. See, she's not an attention whore. At all.

This Is Why They Don't Love You...

B.B. Homewrecker really did it this time, Lucy. Beyonce knowing nothing of the Good Neighbor Policy has been made clear because a neighbor of the home "Why Don't You Love Me" was shot in is suing the cigarette butts out of Beyonce for forcing herself down everyone's throat (and possibly forcing all the neighborhood men down her throat, chile).

After she finished blocking driveways with her traffic stopping booty-pads, Here's the TMZ tea..

Philip Markowitz alleges in a lawsuit obtained by TMZ ...his peace and quiet was shattered the morning of March 26, 2010, when the film crew "invaded his neighborhood" ... waking him out of a peaceful sleep at 7 AM.

That nightmare was followed by a series of intrusions, Markowitz claims. Markowitz says during the morning ... every time he tried leaving his house the crew was blocking his driveway. He went in and out and in and out .... and each time, he says, there was some obstacle in his way.

Now it gets really good. Markowitz says he "missed several business calls while arguing calmly in his driveway." By 11:30 AM, "He demanded compensation for the trespass on his property and the inconvenience and delay he had already suffered."

In fact, Markowitz says he told someone from the crew that he's gotten upwards of $10,000 for the use of his property, but says he was told he couldn't be paid this time because it was a "low budget film shoot."

But Markowitz doesn't buy it. He's suing Beyonce and the production company for unspecified damages ... including the dreaded punitive damages.

Read the Official Documents

What's The Number To DCFS?

Here's Beyonce's wholesome influence on full display during some children's dance performance, chile.

Looks like all these girls needed to channel "B. HomeSchooler" was to wear somebody's fishnets and lingerie looking foolishness, thrust their underdeveloped uterus from here to hell and back, and shake their mosquito bites like the rent is due.

And now you still wanna know the answer to this question?

Untitled

Needs a caption. Honeychildren, what say you?

Auf Wiedersehen

Because one day you're in, the next day YOU'RE OUT! Where in the hell is Heidi Klum, Nina Garcia and Michael Kors when you need em, chile!

Here's fashion model Beyonce being striking again wearing a top made out of grandmas doily tissue-box cover, A Hefty 2-Ply Diaper skirt and a pair of Dolly Partons old Whorehouse in Texas stompin' boots. To complete the ensemble, just brush the fur off 10 dead alley cats, pile it on top of your head and VOILA...STUNNING!

Jay-Z Is A Candy ASS!

Someone from Brooklyn Zoo should be fired because they let this wild animal loose on the street the other day; thats when a kid trying to raise money for basketball camp heard hooves in the distance. When he asked Jay-z to buy some candy, Jay-Z replied "I don't eat chocolate." Thats when I would have tried to sell him a feedbag of wild oats and hay. He doesn't wear high-heel shoes, lacefronts, buttpads and tampons in public either, but I'm sure he's bought some for his publicity stunt wife.

Now ain't that some evil Camel shit. Chile ain't nobody tell you to eat it, just BUY IT! It would have been for a good cause, cause he's clearly out there hustling trying to make it, but Queen Camel is so far removed from days of struggle that he couldn't even buy a few packs of M&M's. What an ASS!

But if he knows karma like I know karma, he'll find out she's a solid milk-chocolate BITCH! After his blood money runs out he will be back to rapping on the Brooklyn subway and selling ass in the piss-flavored corridors of Marcy projects for a half-eaten Snikers' bar .

Put It In A Litterbox...

Chiiile! After still trying to recover from the TeleFOOL video, I said to myself, I need to see Beyonce in another video like I need my ass cheeks decorated like easter eggs, and this is when I remembered she has a video coming out soon with Alicia Keys... (cut to me gouging my eyes out with a rusty railroad spike)

Destiny's Rehab is reporting Alicia has decided to go with a track that doesn't make you want to punch poodles and kick kittens the way "Put It In A Love Song" does. Bitch is a humanitarian!

From the looks of the leaks a few weeks ago, I don't think they even had a director... they didn't need one! All they needed was the video camera from a stepped on prepaid Tracfone, 1 extra large gumbo pot, 2 cross-dressing burn victims, 3 bleeding meth scabs, 1 tablespoon of discharge puss, a 40cc syringe of warmed over death, 3 used pap smear q-tips, Tyra Sanchez's teeth, and one of Beyonces nipple hairs and VOILA!! FART!!

I Knew This Was Coming...

Just in time for Christmas, or Father's Day, or His birthday, or Graduation, or Bar Mitzvah, or his release date from prison... make your man extra happy with his very own BEYONCE SEX DOLL!! She don't need no stinking ring on it! Fulfill his fantasies with one of the sluttiest plastic sluts to ever slut. It's Slutterific!

ACT NOW and we will throw in a FREE box of condoms, a pregnancy kit, a DNA swab, a gonorrhea test and an autographed CD of Solange's new song Under Construction

BUT WAIT.. THERE'S MORE!! If you call in the next five minutes, Beyonce may even come over and let you practice on her FOR FREE! So what are you waiting for? Pick up that phone and CALL 1-900-LACEWIG NOW!

(we accept H.I.Visa or Asstercard)

Chiiiiile...

SOURCE