About Beyonce's '4' Producer's Twitter-Attack on Kelly Rowland...

So, I was on VH1.com, where I was sent to this link regarding one of Beyonce's '4' producer's Jeff Bhasker attacking Kelly Rowland's #1 URBAN SMASH HIT "Motivation" on Twitter.

Somebody hold my earrings and hand me the vaseline, because here's the Lipton, chile...



I know, girl. Pick your jaw up off the floor because I'm not done yet. THEN the lady had the NERVE to try to read Kelly some more with THIS tweet.



Um excuse me while I let out a severe

CHIIIIIIIIILEEEEEE, PUUUHHHHLEEEEEEEZZZZZ!!!

Pardon me, sugar, but just because EACH and EVERY one of Beyonce's singles FLOPPED and FAILED to impact a damn thing and continues to super-slide down every chart known to Lord Jesus, don't blame it on Kelly, girl.

So yea, luckily for Miss Jeff, I just baked up a delicious batch of GET A LIFE. Want one?

Oh, and another thing, sweet lil' teething baby Jesus, please protect me from the chile's default twitter pic because father God it needs to be dunked in holy water a few good times STAT because that thing is every bit of a CHOP, a FOOL and a NO MA'AM!

(P.S. Chile, did you peep all the Beyonce stans retweeting it? Yes honey, get into it!)

SOURCE

Dawson's Creek Called, They Want Their Theme Song Back...

Today, "King B" dropped another load of her groundbreaking, mesmerizing new flop single in the form of one of the worst things I've ever heard called "Best Thing I Never Had" Aside from the fact that the single should come with a label approved by medical doctors as a sure-fire way to cure incurable insomnia, some of the lyrics are as follows, and are very VERY ironic!

"...sucks to be Beyonce you right now..."

"...what goes around comes back around, Beyonce..."

"...there was a time I thought that you did everything right Beyonce..."

"...when I think of the time I almost loved you Beyonce, you showed your ass and I saw the real you Beyonce..."

"...i'm so over you Beyonce, so baby good lookin' out"

and blahh blahhh blahhhhh.... I mean talk about the pot callin' the kettle black, honey. Chile, sounds like a swan song if I've ever heard one. Aside from the fact that it's annoying as an itchy asscrack, it sounds like something that was stolen right off the set of some sappy, tired, cheesy, nerdy ass show on the CW starring bad acting teenagers in high school or some crap. Yea, i'll pass on this one, too...

Yes miss Bey, looks like your pussymobile is finally out of gas, on 4 flat tires and you're stranded on the side of the road while Kelly is riding by, top down with the wind in her hair BLASTING her #1 R&B smash hit, Motivation. My, how the lacefront has turned!

Beyonce is a...

Chile, so you want a good gag for the day? Never fear, your girl has you covered. Run on over to google.com and type in "Beyonce is a" in the search box and see which options appear in the dropdown list. Have fun! :)

Taking A Leak: New Beyonce Track "1+1"

If you heard all of your neighborhood dogs howling at the moon tonight, it wasn't an ambulance in the area speeding to the ER, it was just a Beyonce track taking a leak onto the planet tonight. If Prince went into labor and gave birth to a wounded reindeer out his ASS, it would sound like Beyonce's new smash leak 1+1. I'm no mathematician, but I never knew 1+1 equaled skunk farts and demon burps, but once again, I was never that great at math.

If (and only if) you are a daring soul, take a listen.

Jumping The Shark: Beyonce Admits To STEALING!!

Well, well, well. So much for the stans "It's not Beyonce's fault" campaign. AOL is reporting Beyonce's official statement on the HIGH CRIME AND MISDEMEANOR that was her Billboard Music Award performance. Grab a cup and have your lemon and honey ready, chile.

‘My makeup artist showed me the performance of Lorella Cuccarini a year ago, and it inspired me to steal so much’, she went onto reveal ‘I then met with the talented people who worked on it. The technology and concept were so genius. Thank God for YouTube or I would have never been exposed as a theif to steal something so inspiring. I never worked so hard on stealing anything in my life as that performance for the Billboard Awards’.

Oh, okay so in other words, if you're gonna blame someone, blame the make-up artist! Chile please, all the concealer in the world can't cover up this blemish, chile. Aww poor, original, pioneering little rich girl! CHILE SAVE IT! It's already bad enough the RUN THE WORLD (THIEVES)beat is Major Lazer's 'Pon De Floor" and the choreography was a STEP BY STEP Tofo Tofo routine! Whether two of the guys were in the video or not, bitch stop shittin in the litter box and blaming it on the neighbors cat!

About Beyonce's 5 Finger Discount Billboard Awards Performance...

Yesterday was Sunday, so that must mean for some it's time to violate a couple of the 10 commandments. Mostly THOU SHALT NOT STEAL & THOU SHALT NOT LIE (aka bare false witness). So, Beyonce was given the award for being the most unoriginal scam artist of the MILLENIUM yesterday, and although I didn't watch that bullfart (I had more important things to do like wash my hair, paint my toenails, feed the cat, do crossword puzzles, etc...) I already know (without watching) that it was going to be a show full of dandruff flakes, crotch-rot, delusion, theft, lies & videotape. Maybe I'm psychic, but from what I'm hearing, that's EXACTLY what it was, chile.

Glad I spent my time wisely, because now my hair is bouncy fresh and my toes are really cute! :)

You wanna talk about reading? Let's talk about READING!

Today, I was going through some of Beyonce's rapture ready theft video's, and instead, I ran across this interesting one of some real damn talk, chile! MUNCH!














I'm no scientist, but I think I know what just happened here.

Beyonce's RTW(G) Video Review

Oh, fuck it. I don't even have the strength, chile. I'll just let this bitch speak on my behalf.

In case you missed it, here's Beyonce's video for Run the World (Girls), which is like the apocalypse as seen through the eyes of a House of Dereon seamstress who gets whipped in the eyes with a weave track every time she makes the slightest wince at Tina Knowles' jacked up designs. To me, the song still sounds like an elephant stomping on a kazoo in the middle of a fart contest and the video isn't helping. It's like every post-apocalyptic movie, blended with Cirque du Soleil's KÀ and wrapped in a thick blanket of Vogue magazine's worst photo shoots. The giant hyenas (which were later skinned for wigs)? Sand fucking a giant zen garden (at the 3:26 mark)? The fuck?

Well, at least when The Rapture comes on Saturday, I can look Beyonce in the eyes just as she's about to enslave me and honestly tell her that her Mighty Morphin Power Rangers gown (at the 2:49 mark) is hot. But that's about it.

Grading on a Curve: Beyonce's Oprah Performance Preview

Good morning class. Today's lesson is about hoes that claim they are the hottest EVERYTHING in the game. Let's grade this clip of her earthshattering, groundbreaking, mesmerizing performance on Oprah's farewell show. Everyone open your legs books to page 69 and let the reading begin.



Song = FLOP

Lyrics = FAIL

Choreography = FOOLISHNESS

Hair = FRIED

Wardrobe = FUCKERY

So I'm left with no other option but to give this performance a BIG RED F-

Chile, if they were handing out diploma's at FOOL SCHOOL, bitch would be the damn valedictorian!

Has-Been to Debut Video on Has-Been Show

Even though the ratings are in the camode, and her single is on the charts down-low-er than her husband Jay-Z "alleged" secret sex life, American Idol looks to pull a stunt to breathe hot funky halitosis breath back into their over-the-hill, tired, worn out, past its prime, run its course, beating a dead horse ass show, with the debut of an over-the-hill, worn out, run its course, past it's prime, wearing a dead horse-wig chick with the hottest breath in the game's highly anticipated (HAA) video premiere. I haven't watched nobody's American Idol since they voted off Jennifer Hudson, and chile, thats about the only "Idol" they have cranked out of that God-forsaken show!

Here is the tea from Vladtv.com via Beyonce's website and her cousin Angela Beyince's twitter.

Bey's official fansite released a statement confirming that her video will debut on the famed talent show on May 18th. Her cousin, Angie Beyince also tweeted in support saying “Tune in Wednesday May 18th to see Beyonce on American Idol.”

Shhhh... be really quiet. You hear that sound?? It's the sound of J. Lo plucking her eyes out of her head and rolling them across her dressing room floor! I mean, the NERVE of this Beyonce chick; after all the 5 finger discounts she pulled on J.Lo throughout her carrer, now she has to sit there with a plastic grin on her face and be tortured with that HOT MESS?? And I'll bet you 2 tons of wig glue Beyonce is gonna say she though of this great idea all by her big-headed self, even though on the last SKORPION SHOW video, they begged her to do it! She's so texas smart, ain't she?! I mean everybody that eats their boogers like it's Popeye's chicken is smart like that. Everyone knows that. It's a scientific fact! Wikipedia it, if you don't believe me.

This old lady's desperation knows no bounds!

Did Camel Get Kicked to the Curb?

In "Chew yo ass up and spit yo ass out" news of the day, it's being reported by a reliable source that Beyonce has put on her panic wig and emergency leotard and recently called an meltdown, code red, meeting about her BIG FLOPPITY FLOP OF A FLOP ASS FLOP single, and she is now trying to sever management ties with Jay Z and Roc Nation. (tee hee)

Maybe it will finally dawn on Jay Z that Beyonce is an opportunist and the only reason why his ugly ass ever got a chance in the first damn place is because it was $omething in it for her. I mean, you dont't really think she will ever fart a baby creature out of her precious womb that looks like you, do you? You poor, misquided, disfigured-looking FOOL! Don't you know that you look like the depths of somebodys ASS? Like somebody has been putting cigarettes out on your face? You didn't know you look like Osama Bin Laden's death photo? Like you jumped off of the Chrysler Building and landed on your face? You didn't know you look like a half-chewed hot-dog floating in a pool of vomit? Wait, I'm getting off topic.. where was I? Oh yea!

So, back to this meeting... I guess, if the "source" is to be believe, the general consensus of listening to the album was;

Run The World (FLOPS)

Chile, so the numbers are in, and it looks like Beyonce's smash shit single has BELLYFLOPPED onto charts everywhere. Here are the numbers. FEAST!

Billboard: #33 (HAAA)

Digital DLs: #23 (HAAA HAAA)

Radio: #65 (HAAA HAAA HAAAAAAAAAAAA)

Girl, these are the SOLANGE numbers, hunni! Hell, I farted in an empty toilet paper tube last week and charted higher than THAT!

And speaking of farting into microphones, both Britney and Gaga STORMED the charts with their singles, and this is why her psychotic stans were terrorizing everybody's message boards? For THIS!?

Bitch should have just went somewhere and popped out a few mutant babies, deep conditioned and hot-oil treated those roots of hers, ask Juelz to FINALLY teach her how to talk in complete sentences, conjugate a verb, stop eating paste and color inside the lines with jumbo crayons, chile.

Another Day, Another Beyonce Lawsuit...

No, the planet earth's lawyer didn't file a lawsuit seeking damages due to pain, suffering, excessive diarrhea and hearing-loss after listening to Bey's new smash shit Who RUIN The World (Whores), not yet at least, but they are gettin their paperwork together.

Instead, these court papers reveal a company (who should have known better) named Gate Five is suing the tooth plaque and coochie-crust off of Beyonce's ass to the tune of 100 MILLION SLUT-BUCKS for;

1. Being a GREEDY ASS GREEDY BITCH (duh...)

2. Being a MORALLY REPREHENSIBLE HUMAN BEING (double-duh...)

3. Ruining 70 people's christmas by forcing them out of a job the week before christmas because of reasons 1 and 2 (helmet wearing triple-duuhhhhh).


Here's the TMZ tea

A video game company called Gate Five filed papers today in NY -- in which they claim they had a deal in place in 2010 to create a game with Beyonce called, "Starpower: Beyonce."

According to the docs, things went awry during a "crucial moment in the project's development" when Beyonce made "an extortionate demand" for more money -- even though the two sides already had a deal in place.

Gate Five claims her move "drove 70 people into unemployment, the week before Christmas" ... and notes that one of the project's backers described her conduct as "morally reprehensible."

The company claims it is entitled to the $6.7 mil it invested into the venture -- as well as more than $100 million in profits Gate Five believes it would have earned had Beyonce honored the agreement.

SOURCE

Here is Beyonce's official statement on the matter:


GIFSoup

Thief (Who Ruined The World)

HAMMERCY JESUS! I have been gone far too long!! I have to apologize for my prolonged absence, I have just been so unbelievably busy with amazing things going on, it's been a crying FOOL, but for this very momentous occasion, I come to you swimming through the thickest new growth roots and standing strong on the tallest ass pad known to man to proclaim that after listening to a clip of that SMOLDERING 4-ALARM CHILI BURNT TO A DAM CRISP EXTRA WELL DONE OPEN FLAME BROILED ASS HOT MESSSSSSSSS of Beyonce's new "song", I have to say THAT DAMN TEARS IT WITH THIS LADY! I can't with her, I can't with her delusional ass STANS, I can't with Makael and four motherfuckers that LOOK like him, and I can't with the world at large if you let this crap continue unscathed!

So if you want to hear HER EARTHSHATTERING NEW MUSIC THAT SHE CAME UP WITH ALL ON HER OWN, click the link below to listen to what 20 seconds of pure, concentrated, new born HELL sounds like.



and btw, Major Lazer (ft. Vybz Kartel) did it better...



Tootles, till next time....

Hey Honeychildren!

It's been a month of Sundays since I've seen you but don't worry, I wasn't kidnapped by the Mathew Knowles and shipped off to a deserted island (yet) I've just been really busy with life! But I will be back soon bigger and better than ever, so in the meantime dip on over to the sister site Destiny's Rehab to get your fix!

<3
HCN

Cops Pull Over Some Old Lady...

So, Miss "I just got my license" Knowles (even though since early Destiny's Child, she'd been driving around in a Jaguar while her bandmate had to hitchike a ride in her mamas old Mazda, but I digress...) was stopped by a cop that had no idea who the hell she was *insert Nelson's HAA-HAAAA laugh here* when he seen a 1,000 pound wig on wheels in heels driving down the street while texting. Here's the tea...

“Beyoncé was really embarrassed because she only recently got her driver’s license. She tried to charm that cop and told him she had no idea that texting while driving was against the law. He had no idea who she was. He just slapped her with the ticket, which was worth more than $100!”

SOURCE



If this is true,






Chile, but if you go to the source link, this happened LAST month? Ummm, so... why... are... they... um... just... now.... um.. chile, nevermind! But,to be on the
safe side....

*stiff, stern side-eye*

Slow News Week: What The Buck Snatches Beyonce's Wig (Throwback)

So, I was sitting in front of my computer wearing my favorite 10-gallon wig, wearing the sluttiest leotard on the market and diving head-first into a giant box of Popeye's, when I stumbled across this video of the popular internet show What The Buck titled "Beyonce Threatens To Kill Jennifer Hudson for WINNING OSCAR!" So you know I couldn't pass this one up... Somebody pass the Popcorn and Raisinettes, chile!



And, of course... If anyone ever says anything bad about Beyonce, they have to do a follow up video apologizing to the United Nations of the World... unfortunately for the fart stains who love Bey, Buck ain't the one, honeychile!

Ok, Which One Of You Bitches Did It?

TruthBeTold, I'm watching you!


(p.s. for the brain damaged, this is just satire)

Dead Fish Walking

If you were in London and smelled something that reeked of week-old filet of cajun catfish rotting away in the July sun, it was just Beyonce airing out her cooch again. Either that, or it was Beyonce's elegant stripper I'm Gonna Git U Sucka fish shoes dying a miserable death. Well, if I was that poor fish creature, one whiff of Bey's toe-jam from hell, and I would go see about Jesus, too!


Here's unedited footage of Beyonce going shopping...

Tina Must Be Stopped!

Chile.. so I was surfin' MTO when I ran into this lovely pic of Beyonce taking a pic with people her own age. Instead of doing her hair that day, Tina just slapped Bey upside the head with a box of slinkys, and bag of old funyuns, dipped her head in a solution of just for men hair dye and sent her off to Glamour Shots in some mall in Texas looking fabulous! Either that or she was auditioning for a role in B.A.P.S. All bitch is missing is a few sparklers, smoke-bombs and skyrockets stuck in her head, and we can really get this ghetto 4TH OF JULY party started!